I was out doing some pearl diving around an unmarked island when I saw a white object in the distance. It had a strange glow about it. I knew immediately it wasn't a clam. I looked closer to try and figure out what it could be. It was then I felt this growing urge to swim toward it. I had to know what it was. Closer and closer I swam until I was right on top of it. It turned out to be a Solzreed Dried Food Trade Pack.
Yeah, that's right... a dried food pack... just sitting there... at the bottom of the ocean. I know... it's a bit ironic. I was excited though. This find was worth almost 40 pearls at market value. I thought that this was my lucky day. What I didn't know was this accursed pack was already weaving its dark magic around my very soul!
I wish I had left it on the ocean's floor. I wish that I had stayed home that day. Fate intervened though. It was my destiny to rid the server of Naima of this evil.
I summoned my donkey, removed my rebreather and put on the trade pack. After mounting my donkey (in the good way), I made a beeline for the surface of the water. It was deep though. Reeeeaaaally deep. I almost drowned before breaking the surface. This I would learn, would be a warning of what was to come with this wretched pack in my life.
I boarded my clipper and set off for Sanddeep harbor. I was thinking "Turn this thing in, make some gold and go back out diving. Simple as that." It had other plans however.
Just as I am about to dock at the harbor, I see four or five gliders coming towards my boat. The gliders were accompanied by people with red names. Big...Mean looking people.
I swallowed hard. I already knew who they were and what they wanted. They were Jehovah's Witnesses and they wanted to tell me about Jesus.
I didn't know what to do. They were boarding me. Jehovah's Witnesses are supposed to knock first. At least when they come to my house they knock. This must be a new sect of Jehovah's Witness that don't knock. They just come in and start handing out copies of "The Watchtower". I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable "We would like to read to you a scripture from the book of...".
They didn't read anything though. They just killed me. Apparently the evil magic of the Trade Pack had infected their souls and turned them evil! They were now agents of the Dark Lord who were trying to reclaim his one and only trade pack of doom!
I respawned in Sanddeep. You know the place. That super high mountain that has the quest where you get shot up by a cannon in a bubble and forget your glider isn't equipped so you fall 500 feet to your death? Yeah, that place.
I buffed up, looked at my map, and saw the green diamond of my ship starting to move. I immediately got nervous. Apparently these possessed religious fanatics were going all GTA with my boat! What could the Dark Lord possibly need with my clipper!?
The "Sparrow"(my clipper) was sailing south along the shoreline. I couldn't imagine where they would be going with it. Perhaps they had broken the bonds of the Trade Pack and they were going to use the "Sparrow" as a platform for their religious indoctrination of other players in Southern Sanddeep. That however is probably worse than the Dark Lord's intentions. I hoped with all my heart that they were still possessed.
I dove from the mountain top and hopped instantly onto my glider. I flew as fast as I could down the shore line to the south all the while keeping an eye on that little green diamond on my map.
Suddenly, the diamond stopped. What luck... I can catch up now! As I glided lower, I saw the "Sparrow" parked at a dock. What I saw next though made my blood run cold...
Apparently they were still under the Dark Lord's command as they were attempting to sacrifice my precious "Sparrow" to the Kraken! Whew... I was so scared that they were going to start going door to door and reading scriptures. Sanddeep was already at Crisis Level 5. They would have surely started a war with their religious zealotry. The Dark Lord saved us from the Crusades!
Fortunately, the Kraken diverted its attention to the people on the dock after only hitting the "Sparrow" a couple of times. I landed my glider on the deck, mounted the wheel (in the good way again, although the bad way did cross my mind) and started backing away. Once I was clear of the flailing tentacles, I despawned the boat and took to the air again.
Now that the "Sparrow" was safe, I had to do something about these Murderous, GTAing, Boat Sacrificing, Possessed Jehovah's Witnesses. They must be stopped.
When I made it back to the harbor, I saw the possessed zealots on boats by the dock. I immediately stealthed and watched them while floating in the water. There were more of them now but some of them were beginning to sail away. I waited for them to sail off and then used my glider to get back up on dry land.
I ran over to the docks. It was there that I saw it... one of the them was wearing the Dark Lord's accursed trade pack. My pack! My... precious... He was acting strange though and he had some little twerpy-looking gimp-in-training as a minion.
It was then that I noticed, he was going to give the pack to his little gimp to carry for him. My brain went wild. "OMG!!!! This is my opportunity. I will take the pack when they make the exchange. Then I just have to get to the guards. How am I going to get to the guards with two of the Dark Lord's possessed servants after me though? I'm so dead....Fuck it. Time to man up. I can do this. I'm the terror that flaps in the night.... I'm Batman."
With my new found confidence, I moved towards them in stealth. Just as I predicted, they dropped the pack but the exchange was already made before I was in range. My bat hardon went down fast as I came out of stealth.... that is.... until the zealot aggressed me and the neutral guards were like "I don't think so". Bam Bam... gimp's master is dead. Just one little twerpy looking gimp between me and saving the world from the Dark Lord's evil plot.
WWBD came to mind at this point. "What Would Batman Do?" Psychology! I started being annoying as hell. Body blocking the guy from walking, jumping around him, doing what I could to slow him down. Well.....to make a long story short, it worked. Apparently he thought that the neutral guards would overlook a twerpy possessed Jehovah's Witness gimp that was assaulting the Batman cause he hit me.
"Wrong move you twerpy possessed gimp". The guards killed him in 3 hits. The evil dried food pack hit the ground. I picked it up. I could feel the Dark Lord's mood change.
I was less than 100 feet from destroying the accursed pack. I would rid the world of it forever. Like Frodo, I was in Mount Doom. I would destroy this damned thing once and for all. I turned to to walk down the dock and, like Frodo, encountered my final challenge: Gollum.
Five red named, murderous, GTAing, Boat Sacrificing, Possessed Jehovah Witnesses and they didn't want to talk about Jesus either. They charged as I ran to my only life line: the two neutral guards.
Their tank attempted to tank the guards but their casters hit me first. The guards sprung into action, taking them down one by one. I drank health pot after health pot to remain alive during the assault. Several times my health dropped below 500. I broke out all the tricks that I knew to live. Anything I could do to cancel casts and put distance between me and melee. The fight lasted longer than I thought it would. But in the end, I stood over the dead bodies of five angry, possessed religious zealots with 183 health remaining. From beyond the grave, I could hear the question being asked, "How did he live!?"
I will answer it simply, "MOTHER.......... FUCKING...........BATMAN."
Like the hero I was, I strolled down the dock toward Hedge, the Gold Merchant. The Dark Lord's grip on the world weakening with every step.
As I stood before Hedge, I was almost sad to see the pack go. A big part of me was leery of turning over such power to the merchant. Should the pack turn him, he could use its power to take over the entire server! He offered to pay me 6g though so I was good with it.
An evil part of me had the thought of placing it back in the ocean for another hapless adventurer to stumble upon. I could only imagine the adventure it would bring to the next poor victim who found it. This pack had caused the death of everyone who touched it. Mine, 5 Jehovah's Witnesses and whoever had it before I did. When the Dark Lord made this pack, he put some seriously bad joo joo on it.
When you venture to Sanddeep and see Hedge the Gold Merchant, remember, he is the only thing keeping the evil dried foods of Solzreed from killing again. Should he turn up missing, you will know the pack was too strong to be tamed.
Well, that's the story. So if you are ever diving for pearls or looking for sunken treasure and just happen to see a faint white glow in the distance... take the time to look around for a red named Jehovah's Witness... the Kraken... or a blood spot in the water, cause you never can tell when it might turn out to be a Solzreed Dried Foods Trade Pack.
/Gremlins Music
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